Hello Nurse!

Silent Hill (2006)

Directed by Christophe Ganz

It's no secret that I love video games. Especially survival horror games like Silent Hill and Resident Evil. So maybe I am biased but this film is definitely one of the best video game horror films ever made. Okay, so that statement doesn't mean much considering the only other films to compare to are the Resident Evil franchise which to also still be honest I love but I know that they are pretty bad (Milla Jovovich is the bees knees) and the Rock's "so bad it's bad" film DOOM.

The film is in no way perfect but there is tons of creepy imagery and the music is so good and eerie. It definitely feels like the game series come to life. The one thing I don't care for is Alessa. The young person portraying her is pretty guilty of cheesy acting. Plus her bad "evil Alessa" wig tries to act all on its own.  But don't let that stop you. There is still tons going from it. Creepy squishy armless creatures spewing acid. Melting and crawling fiery babies. Pyramid head dragging his giant sword/axe thing. The iconic fucked up blind and bandaged nurses. Yeah, good stuff.

""He who is not bold enough

to be stared at from across

the abyss is not bold enough

to stare into it himself.

The truth can only be learned

by marching forward.

Follow the map.

There's a letter and a wrench."

Sighs from the Depths.

Suspiria (1977) / Suspiria (2018)

Directed by Dario Argento / Directed by Luca Guadagnino

It's not often that I love a film and then love the remake. The original Suspiria is a masterpiece and one of my top five films of all time. Bright colorgasm saturated eye candy with heaps of creepy, spine-tingling atmosphere. Dario Argento at his finest. Mix in the mesmerizing prog-horror score by Goblin with lots of eerie sounds and whispering and you have near perfection. The spoiler-free plot according to IMDB: An American newcomer to a prestigious German ballet academy comes to realize that the school is a front for something sinister amid a series of grisly murders. 

Where as the remake is a total love letter to the original without attempting to copy its uncopyable style. A heavy sense of dread blankets the film with slightly muted color palate except for explosions of crimson. The music is beautifully haunting and there is way more focus on dance than the original. It is pretty genius in its own right. Here's he plot according to IMDB: A darkness swirls at the center of a world-renowned dance company, one that will engulf the artistic director, an ambitious young dancer, and a grieving psychotherapist. Some will succumb to the nightmare. Others will finally wake up.

Turn off the lights. Double feature both films. Let them devour you. 

I See a Bad Moon Rising.

The Howling (1981)

Directed by Joe Dante

I've always loved werewolves and vampires, and monsters since as early as I can remember. I used to have a ton of books on Lycanthropy and Vlad the Impaler/Dracula and other creepy monsters that I would pretty much use any time I have a school/book report of some kind. In fact, my teachers contacted my parents and told them that there was something really wrong with me because I liked so much creepy and gory stuff. Boy, did I show them! Ummm... yeah, still weird.

So the Howling has my favorite looking werewolves of all time. I love their giant pointy ears and spooky teeth. They were always the scariest looking werewolves from any movie in my opinion. When this film came on late at night on HBO I was enthralled. After watching (and taping it to VHS) I immediately watched it again.

Here is the IMDB plot summary: After a bizarre and near deadly encounter with a serial killer, a television newswoman is sent to a remote mountain resort whose residents may not be what they seem.

Yeah, because they are goddamn werewolves!!!

Beware the Autumn People.

“Beware the autumn people… For some, autumn comes early, stays late through life…For these beings, fall is the ever normal season, the only weather, there be no choice beyond. Where do they come from? The dust. Where do they go? The grave. Does blood stir in their veins? No: the night wind. What ticks in their head? The worm. What speaks from their mouth? The toad. What sees from their eyes? The snake. What hears with their ear? The abyss between the stars. They sift the human storm for souls, eat flesh of reason, fill tombs with sinners. They frenzy forth. In gusts they beetle-scurry, creep, thread, filter, motion, make all moons sullen, and surely cloud all clear-run waters. The spider-web hears them, trembles- breaks. Such are the autumn people. Beware of them.”

– Ray Bradbury, “Something Wicked This Way Comes”

I read the the book Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury when I was a kid. It scared the living hell out of me. I was worried that the "Autumn people" were going to come and steal my soul. When I was a little older and I saw the film I loved how spooky they got the tone. It still scared me but I was more fascinated by the Autumn People then frightened. The creepy Mr. Dark and his spooky circus. The super eerie "spider-lady". They were all so creepy and wonderful.

Stop Following Me.

It Follows (2014)

Directed by David Robert Mitchell

I'm already a super paranoid person. I always plan for the worst and I always worry people are following me for no reason. I know it's irrational and it makes my life harder than it has to be. Tell that to my weirdo brain. I can't just turn it off. I know, I try all the time. So yeah, this movie doesn't help me. It feels personal. Maybe that's why I find it so good and scary.

So what if there was curse that was passed on with sex. Sure you already have to worry about being awkward or feeling inadequate, STDs, getting preggers and now this? You get fucked by some fucker who already got curse fucked and death comes after you. But it doesn't just happen quickly. Some creepy old lady starts shuffling after you. Or some creepy little kid. Or a creepy clown with smeared makeup and no shoes. And if they catch you, they destroy you. That is the story in It follows. 

So the next time you about to get laid you need to make sure they aren't death curse fucking you. Look them in the eye and say "Do you have a death curse. Are you trying to fuck away your death curse on me?" and see how they react. If they seem awkward or weird just get get up and run. 

You're Not So Cool Brewster.

Fright Night Part 2

Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace

I've been on a bit of a sequel kick of late. Some of my favorite horror films are sequels. The Exorcist III, Halloween III, Evil Dead II, Dawn of the Dead, The Bride of Frankenstein, Aliens, and the list goes on. Sequels don't always have to suck (enjoy my vampire pun).

Fright Night Part 2 picks up a little while after Fright Night Part 1 with Charlie needing therapy to rationalize his "vampire delusions" and the killing of his friend Evil. He has a new annoyingly wholesome girlfriend (Amy must have dumped his ass and moved on) and still looks like he smells like Doritos and potpourri. Peter Vincent is back on TV and his belief in vampires stronger than ever. 

Some new hip vampires more into town and start eating people. The head sexy vamp Regine takes her attention to Brewster and starts to mentally torture him with erotic dreams. It just so happens that she is the sister of Jerry Dandridge, the vampire that Charlie and Peter staked and exploded in the first Fright Night. Revenge is the name of the game.

Will Regine eat Brewster or will she turn him into a creature of the night? Will that one should dude keep eating moths and flies the whole film? Will Brewster ever be cool? Watch and find out.

The Blairfast Club.

Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)

Directed by Joe Berlinger

Okay, don't leave. If you even came here in the first place. I know what you're going to say. "There was a Blair Witch 2?" Yes, yes there was and it's a super fun semi-guilty pleasure of mine. If you liked the first film but get motion sickness at found footage films like I do and you want to see the continued story of the Burkittsville Seven and Elly Kedward (aka The Blair Witch) you should give it a chance. It's a little more of a standard type horror film. Kinda like The Breakfast Club but more hiking and witches.

There's the rebel (who happens to be their guide and an escaped mental patient; maybe), the goth girl (she's cool and my favorite just like in the Breakfast Club), the jock (well not really but one of the girl's is kinda sporty and wears a North Face jacket), the nerd (also debatable but the other dude is kind of annoying and thinks he knows everything), and the princess (well... okay she's more of a hippy witch so yeah...). They go in search of the Blair Witch just like the first group of kids who disappeared and the video footage of their murders were found in some hillbilly's yard or something (It's been a little bit since I watched the first one.). Seems like a bad idea and it turns out that it is a super bad idea.

Are they going crazy? Can you find the secrets words and puzzles in some of the shots? Is the goth girl going to spider-web dance and murder everyone? Is the hippy witch going to get naked and sit dance on a skull statue? Is the rebel going to take everyone to his creepy house which happens to be a creepy garage and dangerously play with a chainsaw and say weird shit? Maybe. Or maybe the Blair Witch is like the Principal in the Breakfast Club and tries to force the group to do weird shit and waste their Saturday. Watch and find out.